The Day of Eating Dangerously

I'm munching on one of those candy necklaces right now. Usually, I avoid the big bowl of candy ubiquitous to most HR offices (my company's included, obviously), but today, I felt like splashing out. I was too rushed this morning to pack my lunch, so I decided I'd treat myself to an eat-out, and maybe even to something kind of bad for me. The thing is, once you get into that mindset for a day, it's like all bets are off: Let's have a large latte! Let's have two! Let's have candy from HR! Let's have Jack in the Box for lunch! AND DINNER!

I'm kidding, I haven't been that bad at all--the candy necklace and a giant bowl of chicken pho have been my vices today. And some trail mix with M&Ms in it. But Jack in the Box was not only a very real option, it's the road down which some of my co-workers traveled today. And a terrible road it is:

There's actually a pretty long tradition of junky/competitive/disgusting/all-of-the-above eating in this office. Pizzas, burgers, something Logan calls "the sumo no-carb plate," Bucket Week at KFC (which is exactly what you are thinking, and exactly as awful)...it's all been done. Two of the guys here regularly go to the nearby Costco where they each buy themselves a pizza for lunch.

A whole pizza. Each. For lunch.

I find this terrifying, but of course I cannot look away. Which is why I documented some of today's Burger-Eating Contest, the rules of which were:
-Contestants much consume 5 Ultimate Cheeseburgers and one milkshake within 90 minutes, in one sitting. Contestants may not get up and walk around, and vomiting results in immediate disqualification, regardless of the fact that you will probably be glad that you did.

Here is what some of this looked like:

This is Dan after his first burger. I have to admit, I admired his technique: he just keep eating, steadily and calmly, unfazed by the fact that we were all crowded around him making puke jokes.


This is Dan after his second burger. Or maybe his third, I don't know. At this point, I was regularly retreating to another part of the office because the smell of Jack in the Box burgers was making me kind of queasy, to say nothing of the gorge-fest.


This is Norm the Intern after his second burger. I would feel bad for Norm--he's a smaller guy than Dan, and I think he's had less training in this department--except that he'd been walking around all week bragging about how sure he was that he was going to beat the five-burger record, so really, I was just kind of hoping we'd get some good puke shots from him. (No dice.)


This is Dan at his moment of triumph. And by "triumph," I mean, the moment at which he successfully finished consuming 5,000-plus calories in one sitting and lived to tell the tale. Hell, the guy is sitting one desk away from me right now working away, so if he's suffering at all, he's not showing it. I am equal parts disgusted and impressed by this display, but mostly, it makes me feel a little better about the idea of going back for one more dip into the HR candy jar.