Goeiemorgen, friends

I'm writing from gate C6 at Amsterdam's Schiphol airport. It's 11:30ish in the morning here, and I'm waiting patiently to board the plane that will whisk me off to Oslo, where it's apparently quite cold and salted meats are the norm. So far, the trip has been uneventful, and in fact, even touched by a bit of good luck: While I was originally slated to spend 11 grueling hours in a middle seat, I managed to get myself moved into an aisle when I checked in at SFO...and then some folks asked me if I'd switch seats so they could travel together, and my generosity was rewarded by the fates quite handsomely, since the seat next to me ended up the only empty one on an otherwise completely full plane. I confess that I was pretty sure the people around me were sending unhappy thoughts my way for a bit, but I can't blame them, I'd have done the very same from my middle seat. So, while I still didn't enjoy the most restful 10 hours--coach seats are coach seats, even when you have two of them, and there's no way to adequately set yourself up for some long-lasting shut-eye--I did manage to get some sleep, so I'm only like a class 2 zombie right now instead of a full-fledged Romero-esque nightmare.

More to come when I arrive in Oslo. I stupidly remembered my camera but not the USB cable to connect it to my PC, so photos might have to wait until I return to the states, but I'll happily provide sparkling descriptions of whatever I see. And eat, of course.

Hey, look--I'm famous

And not even for doing something ridiculous!

Best Reader Email Ever

I received this email from a PC Gamer reader this morning. It is officially my new favorite reader email:

From: xxxxxxx@netzero.net
Sent: Monday, March 24, 2008 6:39 PM
To: Kristen Salvatore
Subject: Hellgate london demo is out

Hi woman

I would like to get Pcgamer dvd with Hellgate london

demo next month. It is about 1.4GB.

I only get a dial up internet account with netzero

so I can not download it fast.I hope you can get the file

on dvd for me

use the game site:

www.3dgamers.com

www.filecloud.com

Search for "hellgate london" in google.com

sincerely,

President Yau Ng

Spring Flinging

Despite still suffering through whatever this b.s. sinus issue is (I went to the doctor today, where I was asked,"Have you tried Sudafed?" Uh, thanks for the tip, Doc), I made it out and about just a bit this weekend. Friday night was drinks and karaoke with my girls S and S, also known as the founding members of the Mary Banilows, an all-girl Barry Manilow cover band that the three of us cooked up conceptually one night. This Friday's brainiac-tastic idea was to buy the old Tower Records on Market Street in the Castro and convert it into a karaoke place full of private karaoke rooms (like the one the three of went to on Friday night), but to also have a bar attached, so patrons can order drinks while they're singing (like the one the three of us went to in London last year).

I also managed to drag myself to the Home Depot, accompanied by my friend D. He patiently waited while I picked out $68 worth of herbs, tomato plants, and planter boxes, and then generously offered his services as a backyard digger. I'd forgotten how nice it feels to plant things you one day hope to eat--I've never been one to plant flowers, not because I don't like them, but because I end up feeling less invested than I should in their health and well-being, and then I travel for work and forget to ask someone to take care of them and they die and I feel awful. But for some reason, I get very attached to my tomato plants and my little boxes of thyme and oregano and Italian flat-leaf parsley.

The Day of Eating Dangerously

I'm munching on one of those candy necklaces right now. Usually, I avoid the big bowl of candy ubiquitous to most HR offices (my company's included, obviously), but today, I felt like splashing out. I was too rushed this morning to pack my lunch, so I decided I'd treat myself to an eat-out, and maybe even to something kind of bad for me. The thing is, once you get into that mindset for a day, it's like all bets are off: Let's have a large latte! Let's have two! Let's have candy from HR! Let's have Jack in the Box for lunch! AND DINNER!

I'm kidding, I haven't been that bad at all--the candy necklace and a giant bowl of chicken pho have been my vices today. And some trail mix with M&Ms in it. But Jack in the Box was not only a very real option, it's the road down which some of my co-workers traveled today. And a terrible road it is:

There's actually a pretty long tradition of junky/competitive/disgusting/all-of-the-above eating in this office. Pizzas, burgers, something Logan calls "the sumo no-carb plate," Bucket Week at KFC (which is exactly what you are thinking, and exactly as awful)...it's all been done. Two of the guys here regularly go to the nearby Costco where they each buy themselves a pizza for lunch.

A whole pizza. Each. For lunch.

I find this terrifying, but of course I cannot look away. Which is why I documented some of today's Burger-Eating Contest, the rules of which were:
-Contestants much consume 5 Ultimate Cheeseburgers and one milkshake within 90 minutes, in one sitting. Contestants may not get up and walk around, and vomiting results in immediate disqualification, regardless of the fact that you will probably be glad that you did.

Here is what some of this looked like:

This is Dan after his first burger. I have to admit, I admired his technique: he just keep eating, steadily and calmly, unfazed by the fact that we were all crowded around him making puke jokes.


This is Dan after his second burger. Or maybe his third, I don't know. At this point, I was regularly retreating to another part of the office because the smell of Jack in the Box burgers was making me kind of queasy, to say nothing of the gorge-fest.


This is Norm the Intern after his second burger. I would feel bad for Norm--he's a smaller guy than Dan, and I think he's had less training in this department--except that he'd been walking around all week bragging about how sure he was that he was going to beat the five-burger record, so really, I was just kind of hoping we'd get some good puke shots from him. (No dice.)


This is Dan at his moment of triumph. And by "triumph," I mean, the moment at which he successfully finished consuming 5,000-plus calories in one sitting and lived to tell the tale. Hell, the guy is sitting one desk away from me right now working away, so if he's suffering at all, he's not showing it. I am equal parts disgusted and impressed by this display, but mostly, it makes me feel a little better about the idea of going back for one more dip into the HR candy jar.

The human head weighs 8 pounds

Unless you have your third head cold of the season--then it weighs about 22 pounds. I can hardly believe it myself, but I am sick AGAIN.

Luckily, this is just in time for my appearance this coming Wednesday on X-Play. I'll be talking about the PC Gaming Alliance, and doing my best not to sneeze snot all over the camera lens. Luckily, only about 2 million people will be watching, so I don't have too much to worry about in terms of totally embarrassing myself.

What Happens Next?

Last night was the final meeting of my Improv class--as in "Improvisational Acting I." One of the first things I learned in the class was the important distinction between "improv" and "comedy": while improv often ends up being funny, that isn't necessarily the point. Improv is about being in the moment, making choices in a scene to just do what seems to come next--or, as my instructor explained last night, improv is about making a choice and then justifying it. Which, as one of my astute classmates noted, is essentially the reverse of what we're taught to do in the rest of our lives. It's a very Zen exercise. At least, it's supposed to be. The truth is that it often ends up being very funny. In fact, it's much funnier when someone isn't trying to be funny--the more the actors are trying, the less funny it ends up being. I know this because I have a habit of trying to be funny, and it often just comes out forced.